22 Jan 2010 No more energy!

22 Jan 2010  No more energy!

I have no more energy for much of anything.  Sort of done!  Tired of crying out, tired of pain, tired of laziness, just stinking tired!  I am resigned to accomplish small things and have a successful wedding this year.  That's it, that's what I was created for.  I feel so totally abandoned and in my quest to meet with Jesus, fact-to-face, I have failed.  I seem to have lost all motivation, knowing that there is victory but it isn't mine.

I am sad and small blessings seem that much smaller.  I see devastation In Haiti and I know my life is good but I can't seem to well up that satisfaction in my soul.  I want to proclaim it is well with my soul, but it doesn't feel well.  It feels like it is on it's last legs and life seems this near to empty.  I want to not feel.  I don't even want to think.  I can't even do anything about that, because whether I want it to or not, the thoughts come and right behind it the feelings.  I am not living a victorious kingdom life and although I am more than half way through our 21 days fast, I have felt impotent spiritually.  Even the reserve well of life is dry.  If there is water there...the rope and bucket don't even touch the surface of dampness.


Spent, I am spent.  How can I lay my life down this morning when I have no energy to move.  How can I pick up my cross when the arms and hands are numb.  I have no feelings, not even a tingling in my fingers.  Usually tingling says to me there is something there.  Blood is running through, capillaries, veins and arteries.  I'm not sure if you cut my hand off that there will be any drainage what so ever.  Yep, all finished.  Hoping there is a skeleton with a thread of DNA left. I suppose if there is none God can still build muscle, sinew, tendons etc.  He can pump an IV into dry bones.  He can make something beautiful out of the rubbish of my life. He can redeem something useful to His kingdom.  He can bless someone through this mound of unbreathing flesh.  He can do anything. 

When Jesus said it is finished, Did he know that great earthquakes in the kingdom were around the corner.  Did He know He would rise again?  Did he die encouraged?  Was the pain too excruciating for Him to appreciate the chasm He had bridged?  Did he smile and rejoice at the future or as life escaped, did he fully resign to the death of his body?  Did Jesus's body try to grip every breath or did His body resign to the natural and let go?  Did he weep at leaving planet earth or did God inside Him give him comfort to know He would rise again?  Were there legions of angels and demons slaughtered that moment?  Was there a spiritual battlefield littered with celestial bodies?  Is there a battlefield with my name carved out over it?  Is this dying going to resurrect anything of substance?

I have many more questions than I do answers.  Today, I will just wait.