23 Feb 2010 I can't stop my whining!

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23 Feb 2010 I can't stop my whining!

 

It eeks out of me.  My condtion, my situation, that which has been clinging to me for a few years now.  I am avoiding as many people and groups as possible because I dread the question, "How are you?, or "How are you feeling?  How many times do I have to speak to the air how hard it is.  How my pain has engulfed my life and taken me to the edge of depression.  Or I sometimes just say "Blessed, with a half hearted smile."  I can't express my condition without wanting to vomit, for it makes me sick to hear about me again.  It feels hidden to proclaim my blessing condition.  I can't crawl in a cave and die.  I don't want to depart the door of my house and live.  I am at a stalemate in life where I don't feel like I'm moving ahead and it's too dangerous to go backwards.

 

So here I sit wasting the only thing I can give back to my God and that is time. I have brand new neighbors to meet and welcome.  I have a friend in the hospital who has broken her hip and arm and I have promised in my heart to visit her, that was a month ago.  She does have another month to go. I have a room that has collected for years various sale items, knick knacks, clothes I'm going to wear again when I lose that 10 lbs, items I can't just give to a thrift store because....well whatever the reason.  This room has to be cleaned because I have a June bride who has decided to invite her ENTIRE family.  

 

I'm abit on the slow side of learning about grace for myself. I'm impatient with the Word of God.  I really have to muddle through a devotion.  Rarely do I find myself chewing on the scriptures.  I swallow gulps of paragraphs to sate my spirit, but to meditate, to delve into deeper meanings and truths to grip rhema is too much effort.  If that could ever really be the case?  I know in my knower there is healing, joy, abundant peace, great love and mystical things revealed.  I am confident He still is for me, that He walks before me, behind me and to my side, I know He calls me friend.  I know in He is my future, my hope and my motivation.  He is still at the helm of this broken vessel, steering it, accelerating and descelerating as His plans go.  Right now I am in neutral, I just don't know if that is His plan or mine.